What we value most in our lives determines and shapes both our actions and our attitude. Getting a balance of my priorities is something that I find increasingly hard. Nerding away in the library 24/7 is as equally unhelpful as an over dedication to a party lifestyle. Without fully knowing what you want it is hard to make progress.

I'm used to getting the classic question of whether 'I found myself in my gap yah'. I think for most of the time I lost myself. The luxury of being in so many environments is that it lets you be almost different people at different times. You get used to throwing yourself into situations, letting yourself be washed over with new people and new expectations. Whether it was the intense extroverted time with Richmond, working long hours on demanding projects with Boodles or immersing myself in the altruistic hippyesque atmosphere of Pisco. 

I'm a muddled mess of all those different periods and despite what I said, I think overall I did find an ideal. I discovered who I wanted to be even if I still had a long way to get there. I don't think I'm any closer from my first few months in Edinburgh. Too many distractions; pride and egoism get in the way.

I guess I struggle with ideals. Knowing you will never fully reach a goal makes it hard to persevere. Pursuing an ideal also presupposes you know where you're going and that is also rarely the case. Maybe there is different ideals for different moments. Spontaneity and recklessness make life more colourful and interesting at times but can be exhausting if a daily habit.

I've recently come back from a weekend away with the church I go to in Edinburgh. It was a great time to get to know more people from the community there but also to re-evaluate some of the priorities that I have consciously or subconsciously put into place here. My faith gives things perspective and justification. It is the glue that keeps things in place. 

Being blessed with the right people at important turning points in my life is something I am always grateful for. In my second week here I bumped into an old friend who I met several years previous at a scripture union camp. Apart from sharing an appreciation of obscure films (my top 3 films from this term so far being Anna Karenina, Skyfall and Rust and Bone) he has allowed me to really consider where I should invest my time and thoughts. I need people with such integrity to help prod me in the right direction.

Being vulnerable to other people is one of the best ways for you to grow and develop. Relying on your own strength will often leave you falling short. Our best qualities are shown when we are with people.

I'm trying to finish this now and I haven't really got to any sort of end. I'm shaped by the people around me, by experiences, by ideas. Most people go through life still searching, I'm not sure whether that is a bad thing..

Autumn Walk
While writing Wild Nothing have provided the best background music, Beach House a close second.